About 15 years ago when I got my first computer at home and signed up to the Internet, I remember waking at night to use the bathroom and stopping to check my emails, hopeful that something would come in from a friend, colleague or anyone, just as long as that tiny envelope flashed on the screen, telling me that somewhere out there someone wanted to keep in touch. I had lots of Internet friends then – persons I communicated with from countries I never visited –and it was quite satisfying to share information about our homes and the things we do. Since then I’ve had this love-hate relationship with the Internet. At times I feel like I could throw everything with a cyber-space connection through the window and at other times I feel I could take the laptop to bed, snuggle down and sleep contented knowing there’s a real live connection to information that would be lost if it were not for this wonderful creation. These days though I’m thinking it a curse and an addiction I cannot seem to rid myself of....but do I want to? Do I, really? I don’t think so.
As it turns out, the Internet is perfect for anyone who is as introverted as I am. My friends laugh when I say this to them because they feel I don’t have an introverted bone in my body. But I get the last laugh because I’m wickedly so; it’s just that I’m a very good actor and over time, once I’ve gotten to know someone, I get out of my shell more and more, but only barely. And if people were as attentive as they seemed to think they were, they would see that my going for weeks or months without connection except for emails and text messages is all part of my inability to crawl outside of myself and be a proper social being.
I get into friendships quickly – I know within minutes if I’m going to like someone or not. I have to, otherwise I may spend a long time on a relationship that’s going nowhere and the disappointment of that is as bad as any betrayal. And because I make friends quickly, I also hurry on the friendship activities: hanging out, exchanging messages, chatting often. Then it dies as suddenly as it begins because I’m usually sucked dry by then. Mind you, not the friendship, but the energy required with being a friend. And after that first waning, I may or may not pick myself up and make a connection and continue as if nothing has happened. Because of this, I have few true friends. Few people who even if they don’t hear from me in a long time, can embrace me once I come around and who understand that they don’t have to hear from me daily to know that I do care and that I’m there for them. My best friends know if they phone me up in the middle of the night, out of the blue, in desperate need, I would simply come. Calm and collected, unquestioning and willing. It’s the same with family.
So, what has brought on this examination of my strange friendship ways (Hey! I think I’ve found the name of my next story!)? It’s the end of the year and time for a reckoning to prepare myself for the new year and another birthday. Oh Lord!
I got an email from Oprah – you know the ones she sends out to anyone who will opt into her mail out – and as I read it, I starting thinking it was a mail from a friend. Then it occurred to me that the only mail I get these days are junk, from work and a few friends. And I do look forward to the junk – or rather store subscriptions – because without them I realise I would get very little mail on a daily basis and that should make me feel alone but it doesn’t, not really. Except it had me thinking that I’ve been extremely bad with communicating this year.
Three years ago I had a newsletter I sent out once per month that kept me in touch with friends here and abroad and kept everyone up to date with happenings at home and with me. I stopped that for school and never started back. Instead I would send occasional emails about my thoughts and what was going on with me. I stopped that too due to work and that’s when everything sort of ended. Communication became a hurried birthday message with a graphic and the exchange of jokes – never threatening spiritual passages – and a brief Hello, What’s up? Then I became hooked on watching movies on the Internet, voraciously reading books on Kindle on my BlackBerry. Every moment I had to myself was spent reading or watching; hiding from everyone and everything. I would climb out to do the honours or talking on the phone when I was called or responding to an email or going out with friends then once that was over, I was back in my world of work, watching and reading. Reading Oprah’s email today, it occurred to me that for the past two years, I have finally achieved total alienation. I no longer wanted to socialize unless I had to. Driving in the car alone with my new discovery of alternative rock was a blessing, so much so that I would resent having to pick up someone on the way to work because it meant I had to speak and I cherished down to the last second because I needed it to interact with people who I had no choice but to. Depressed? I don’t think so. Maybe.
I’m an introvert and the Internet was made for people like me and in that breath it’s a curse. Don’t get me wrong. There are times when I crave human connection. When I feel I must go out or go mad but those times are few and when they occur I’m careful where I choose because I know that being around too many people for too long would send me back into myself in a heartbeat. At those times, when I’m among people putting on my act for long periods, I literally feel like I’m bottled up and about to burst. I long for a quiet space and not being able to find any then would turn to a screen or a monitor and close off. Anyone who knows me very well, can see in my eyes that I’m like a caged animal, desperate to get out, anxiously shaking my leg or tapping my finger in need of release. Turning to a monitor has become my escape. My own little room in which I direct my attention where I want and I don’t have to be concerned with what is going on around me. Only then am I able to relax and breathe properly.
At times, being alone is euphoric. I have maybe an hour some evenings when I’m by myself at home and I feel so free that I’m actually frighteningly happy and have to think hard about how I’m gong to put it to use. Not that I don’t love my family – I do and know I wouldn’t do well without them – but I also like being with me and am not afraid. After a long tiring day the first moment to myself is greeted with a sigh of relief. I do this thing where I stretch my neck from side to side and I breathe...just breathe – inhale and exhale and then I smile. Bliss.
I like crowds best when I’m a stranger and there’s some distance between myself and everyone else. I don’t like to be touched – not unless I know you, and even then, only so much. I like being a spectator but people see me and continuously think I need company and I have little choice but to be polite. It’s a joke we have in our family that we attract crowds, and we do, especially me and particularly when I don’t want to.
For now I'll admit I'm an introvert and because of it a terrible friend. I would want nothing better than a place I could escape everyone for about three months of the year (with Internet and cable) and be able to recover. But I don’t have that and so must make due with snatching moments of alone time, like now in my office with everyone else asleep or in their own little corner of the house.
For 2012 the only promise I’m going to make is to re-open some friend connections and send more emails. I will try to remember birthdays and make an effort to send proper messages, maybe even mail a letter...nah, not the latter but better messages...yeah. And of course, I will write.
It’s a start. Isn’t it?
Daily thoughts and stories I write.
